On psychological unsafety – calling out trauma

Have you ever been in a workplace situation where you felt psychologically under threat? Where a feedback session turns from a dressing down, to suddenly it could take a nasty turn? Bullied by your boss, gaslighted by your manager or peers? Where no feedback or raising of concerns went anywhere because this person got results or had primed their boss on your supposedly errant behaviour? It is a traumatising daily work existence – psychological unsafety.

These common facets of “old school” management are thankfully being called out more and more as unacceptable. Applying more modern theories of motivation, sustainable employee well-being and overall psychological safety show that treating each other like humans, not peons, positively impacts productivity.

Evidently, I don’t want to talk about psychological safety.

Psychological unsafety

I remember after several years into my career I was on the receiving end of what I can only describe as a verbal assault, berating me – not a feedback session. Banging the desk and gesticulating aggressively, shouting, accusing me of incompetence, lying about the facts and then gaslighting me on topics I wasn’t even responsible for. I couldn’t believe it, I walked out shell-shocked and unable to sleep for days. All the topics and words and aggression played in my head on repeat. I still don’t really recall what I murmured in reply (apparently it was “defensive”).

I had never experienced anything like it either towards me or anyone I worked with/ coached. This is on the lower end of monomaniacal “client-centred leadership” behaviours, and even the level that firms will tolerate (HR there to support the firm not you). I recognise my own personality is conflict-averse, perhaps I have less of a thick skin but I still maintain this was beyond the pale behaviour.

I could add more details and background, but in this case, it is less the surrounding context than the unacceptable vituperative nature. Tangentially, I’ve been physically accosted and hit several times by clients, oddly this one stands out more – perhaps it was with my boss from my firm not a client.

It’s taken me a couple of drafts and time just to recall and recount, not relive, the above even though it happened 5+ years ago. No doubt it was cathartic overall but not hugely enjoyable. How about you? Do you want to share if you’ve had a similar experience? Drop into the comments below.

Calling out trauma

My example is relatively low on the scale of unacceptable behaviour in work (it’s not, for example, partners sexually assaulting staff at work events[1][2]) but I struggled to move past it or get closure because I wouldn’t accept what it was. It was traumatic, not something you can brush off as someone being a dickhead (or at least I couldn’t).

Work is just as able to generate traumatic (not just melodramatic) circumstances and events as the rest of life. A lot of us see what happens at work as not necessarily worthy of being labelled trauma. That is what happens at the loss of a loved one in unexpected circumstances or some sort of physical assault or an ugly break-up/divorce.

Accepting these assaults as the trauma they are, allows us to better face up to them on their terms, process, and try to move past them.

Cardinal cover-ups

In cold calculus of acting and trying to constructively confront, what does that leave us with?

1. Change the environment – fix it from within. You’re a different generation, you grew up seeing the excess and abuse of power, vowing to stand against it. I wish you following winds and fair seas. The change will come but the issues will persist, constant pressure and transparency on everything from sexual assault, micro-aggressions or the trauma bullying causes is just the start.
2. Join the environment – you enter with the intention of changing but inertia is strong, vested interests weak and frankly the P&L this quarter needs those revenues booked, so maybe we revisit these HR cases and allegations afterward, hey?
3. Leave the environment – just take the exit, surely it is that simple? Unfortunately, even excluding personal circumstances, this is often discounted as an option as it is too close to giving up and giving in. Not something our upbringing taught us to do. That doesn’t mean our inner chatter is correct, sometimes you have to survive first and foremost.

We live in the 21st century, not a Dickensian novel, and this situation is not acceptable. Our leadership should be held accountable for these behaviours and not sweep the people responsible under the carpet like a “wayward priest”.

Bad case study answer

I know I have done my fair share of screaming into the void, trying to stamp some social justice but often just airing the wrong grievance to the wrong people at the wrong time. And after a while, I just gave up, I took the version of option 3 that was more out of ease and convenience rather than the situation getting to breaking point.

Be better than me, believe you can make a change; the bar in this instance was too low.