On Reflection Vs Regret – Nothing New Under The Sun

The genesis of this post on reflection vs regret came as I was looking around for other blogs and websites to compare, contrast and reach out to. Unsurprisingly word of mouth is a somewhat slower method to expect growth, especially if I remain anonymous, as my initial target audience is already stretched for time (I was going to make a joke about low r-factor but probably too soon).

The message just repeats: Regret. Regret. Regret.

Cortana, Halo 2 (2004)

I came across a site run by someone I had not seen mention of for years, yet there they were, running a one-person site aiming to let people live their best lives, provide curated resources and blog. I will not lie it knocked me off balance – here was someone who was already light years ahead from the same starting point, why should I bother? Do I really have a unique offering or just something ChatGPT could easily replicate?

Frustration and feeling undervalued by the big bad world, how I hadn’t even had a chance and there was something finished and better. Irrational, but in that moment real.

Once I went through those almost involuntary feelings, they subsided and plenty of internal chatter and negative self-talk ensued. I spiraled around the plughole of regret comparing life-trajectories since then, about what I could have done differently, how I could have acted, or what I could have said.

I managed to take a lot of mindful deep breaths and remind myself that looking to the past is most powerful and helpful when engaging in reflection not regret. That I should force myself right now, in this moment, to remember not re-live.

Reflection vs regret

Whether it’s a happy memory or a painful experience, our past experiences can shape our core beliefs for years to come. These beliefs are highly “sticky”, once they are rooted in place, meaning they can be hard to dispel – should they even be critically assessed subsequently. Unpicking these ideas you are likely to let loose some powerful emotions, not all are helpful

• Regret is a negative emotion that focuses on the past and what we should have done differently. It’s a feeling of disappointment, frustration, and sadness, and it can be a major source of stress and anxiety
• In contrast, reflection is a positive, proactive process that focuses on learning from our experiences and using that knowledge to make better choices in the future
• Reflection can be an incredibly powerful tool for personal growth and self-improvement, but it is not easy and takes time to cultivate the practice and not slip into regret.

A teachable interlude

It’s important to not let past regrets hold you back in the present. It is important to recognise and understand the difference between engaging in reflection vs re-living and regretting the past. It is key to identify what you can solve for and build on heading into the future, not wallowing in the past. There’s a lot of bad advice out there, or too generic to be applicable so try the below on for size

1. Make time for reflection: Start tying reflection to other key milestones e.g. sync your career reflections to the quarterly reporting cycle or when you finish the next project – don’t just do it for yearly appraisals
2. Be honest with yourself and focus on growth: Reflection requires confronting some “home truths” and self-awareness. Be willing to look at your experiences, good and bad, and take responsibility for your actions
3. Ask questions to learn: The unexamined life etc etc – use a simple framework like putting behaviours and outcomes into 3 buckets: Stop / start / continue. Build out your personal “interrogation” to undertake periodically

I used to think that my life would turn out differently

But then, who doesn’t? My 5 year-ago-self (or 10 or 3 or 1) assessed by my right-now-self doesn’t come out well, but more impetus that my 5-years-hence-self will see my right-now-self engaging in much healthier behaviours and going towards sustainable objectives. Let see, I will ask them when I see them in 5 years.